So it’s been a month since I’ve posted anything, and this lapse in time is probably the largest since I’ve dedicated to writing more faithfully here on the blog since last September.
It feels a little scary to share this with you, but here goes. I haven’t been in a good place in my head or my heart for awhile now; especially as it pertains to my work here in this space.
I keep getting sucked in to the rat race of comparison, the social media pressures of what I “should” be doing as a writer (which basically in this day and age involves having an online presence.) As most of you who know me know, I have struggled with the social media aspects of this work for awhile now. I thought I had it down, and figured out. But in this new season of expecting a third baby, my sister (and free babysitter) having moved out of the house, tons of things on my mind and my plate, the writing pace (and blogging pace) I had previously set for myself has become unsustainable.
Because when you are 17 weeks pregnant with your third baby and you have a four and a two and a half year old and an almost one year old you watch often, sometimes when nap time comes, you really just need to take a nap. And the alarm still feels early at 6:30 and I can’t imagine waking earlier, or staying up later right now, in this season, in order to make consistent work on this blog happen.
And you know what happened to me as soon as consistent work stopped happening?
GUILT. SHAME. FEELINGS OF IMMENSE FAILURE. (I’ve told you I’m a perfectionist right?)
And I know what you are thinking; “who made you feel this way??” It’s not YOU Dear Reader, truly, it’s me. (I’ve told you I’m a perfectionist right?)
I have learned so much in the past six months, I have faced a lot of fears and made a lot of progress towards considering myself a “real” writer. But right now, my writing life can’t even function because my heart can’t function right. I need to do the thing I want to write about; to rest.
So all this to say, I’m taking a Sabbatical from the blog for awhile. (See how the root word for Sabbath is in that word Sabbatical?)
As Emily P. Freeman often quotes, I need to give my soul time to catch up with my body. I need to surrender myself to the walking pace of Jesus. To let him do the deep and quiet and unseen work in my soul that I desperately need right now. I need to become small. To marvel at the seeds as I plant them, to watch things grow in slowness.
But I’ll be back; I promise. This space and these words are important to me, and I realize now that I need to be okay with accepting these transitional seasons as they come. I need to release my need to succeed. I need to let go of my fear of failure. I need to just be myself, whoever that is, in the presence of God for awhile. Emily P. Freeman has been talking recently on her podcast about the things we need to”let go”, and this morning it brought me to tears at my bathroom sink. Listen to today’s episode here.
Because I’ve been holding on too tightly to some idyllic version of myself that doesn’t really exist.
My capacity right now, feels extremely limited. And I’ve always prided myself on being able to be “productive”. (Key word: PRIDE.)
I can’t actually do it all. I can’t even actually do what other people, by God’s grace, are able to do. But that just means that it’s not what he has for me right now anyway.
I suck at the hustle. I can’t stand the rush. My creativity is being squashed by the pressures I am putting on myself in the middle of my attempt to do meaningful work. And it’s a season, and it’s my soul health as stake. And that matters, and it means something.
So, now is a time for planting seeds and waiting while they grow in the dark. It’s time for me to conquer some more fears; to re-imagine my work in a way that is sustainable in my right now life; to listen to the Voice of my King instead of all the “how to-ers” (not that they are doing it wrong, but right now that way is wrong for me.)
It’s time to be a daughter of King Jesus, and nothing more.
I still plan to be posting irregularly to Instagram via @gracekelleywrites, so you can keep up with me a little bit there. But I’ll warn you, it might be VERY irregular for awhile, as I think the first step in my Sabbatical needs to be taking whatever means necessary to quiet all the voices in my head; all but One that is. And quieting the constant input of Social Media doubtless will be required at least for a time.
If you think of me, you can pray for me. Pray that God will use this time to bring me home to myself. That He will show me what it is that He has put me here to do and to say. That He will guide me even when I lack concrete answers.
I appreciate you all so much, Dear Readers. And I look forward to telling you all about what God has done, and is doing, in the midst of this writer’s messy heart.
Blessings on all of you,
until these seeds bloom,