So I’m the writer who keeps talking about quitting writing. I’m an enigma; a mystery to myself and others at times. I vacillate between deciding to pursue writing with such purpose and intention that I scare myself and how much my life might change, and then I reel it back to almost nothing. Where I would consider myself reliable and predictable in so many fields of my life, my writing I am inconsistent at best, and downright frustrating at worst.
But you know what? I think I’m okay with that. I’m wrestling because I know that what I choose to do in my days matters. I am weighed down with many heavy responsibilities and burdens, (two of whom are SUPER cute…) and I want to make sure that the way I spend my days is RIGHT.
As a Christian, I need to live my writing life in constant surrender. Every day saying, “Jesus, I am here for YOUR GLORY, not my own. I am here for YOUR PURPOSES not my own. I am here to meet YOUR GOALS not my own. Make YOUR DREAMS, MY DREAMS and if my dreams are not what you would have for me, then I don’t want them.” I prayed this prayer this morning, and for the first time I think I meant it with all of my heart.
Right now I think he’s saying, it’s time to write: but be patient.
It might take me a long time to get much writing accomplished. My days are full of adorable, messy, distractions; and they are my priority right now. I was struck last week by the dedication in one of Sally Clarkson’s books entitled Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe. She says:
“Sarah, Joel, Nathan, and Joy, my precious children,
You are the most profound story that I have ever written, the best work I have ever accomplished—the magnum opus of my life. You are the reason for this message that God has crafted in my soul…You are my treasures.”
Her dedication brought tears to my eyes, and I think that is because as a writer who feels like she’s failing, partially due to the way I have set my priorities, I needed to hear that I am choosing the better thing. Right now, sometimes it feels like it’d be so glamorous to get away for a day and write; but I know that would be ignoring my first and best calling: to be HERE, exactly where God has planted me, in the middle of the daily mundane, doing the hard, often unglamorous (is that even a word?) work of stewarding and shepherding my children.
So I will write; but the first things will be first. And I believe God will bless my daily surrender and choice to walk in unglamorous obedience. After all, Jesus’s obedience wasn’t glamorous or exciting was it?
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” -Philippians 2:3-11