With the holidays all around us on this 28th of December, I keep finding myself tearing up about the littlest things. Christmas carols I have sung all my life are suddenly becoming significant to me. Thinking about what God has done for me this past year, and what I know He is going to do in the year to come makes joy well up in my heart and my eyes. The story of a Lord coming down to be with His people; to die for His people, because He loved them that much is amazing to me. It seems even more potent after hearing it the hundredth time. Perhaps it is because for the first time in my life, I am willing to be moved.
I was always that girl that hated to cry in front of people, that hated to feel too much raw emotion welling up whether it be positive or negative. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like having my world upside down and shaken around. Moving is uncomfortable. I’d like to stay in that same old house with the worn down carpet and the same ugly couch because it is familiar. I’ve hated change; rebelled against it vehemently because I have always taken it for the worse. But now, I am willing to be MOVED. God has pushed me out of my comfort zone one too many times. I know now that He is teaching me something new; mainly that the only solid rock I can really lean on is Him, and that He is not going to let me stay comfortable either.
This past friday night, Christmas Eve, I heard an analogy about God’s love for us that moved me. The pastor told the story about how he was preparing his family vehicle to be appraised so that he could buy his wife a new car for Christmas. He cleaned it up all nice, fixed the few things that needed repairing, and took it in to the used car salesman. But when the numbers came back he was surprised, because, to him, the car was worth a lot more. It was then that he realized that something is only worth what someone else is willing to pay for it. Before he even got to his main point I felt the tears lump in my throat.
I love that word “ransom” in the hymn “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel”. He came to pay the ransom for the captives; for us. How much did God pay for you? For me? He gave his only Son to live among us, to heal us, and ultimately to die on the cross for us so that we could be reunited with him! You are worth His own life because He loves you so much and cannot stand the separation that sin has put between you and Him. He has invested himself in us because we are His children, His prodigal sons. And He celebrates when each lost little one comes Home to Him.
This amazing, powerful, unconditional love and acceptance of God is a truth that I rarely admit to myself because of my own feelings of unworthiness. I am guilty of trying to make it on my own; of trying to be “good enough” for God. I have promised him a thousand times that I will not fail Him again, that I will be WORTHY this time. And a story like that shatters it all; every time. It is the undeniable truth that whether you succeed or fail in your day to day life, God has ALREADY paid the price for you because you are WORTH that much to Him. I think it is a truth that we must come to recognized over and over again in our lives because we will never really understand the depth of this Love that God has for us. The Christmas season is just one of those time that we take to remember, to refresh, to start new with the love of God behind us and the life of Christ in us.
But at this the year’s end, I am making the choice to be willing; willing to be moved. Not only to move when God pushes me towards the edge of such a grand uncertainty that I have no choice but to trust Him, but to tell Him that I am willing to be moved, made, and shaped into a woman after His own heart. No matter the discomfort or the change, I must trust that this new weepy sensitivity is for the better, and lean on the only truly solid rock I know.