Trust is one of those funny concepts that is hard to grasp. There are various levels of trust. We can trust someone to be a good navigator, but not necessarily a good cook. We can trust someone not to kill us, but not necessarily trust that they will not hurt our feelings. We can trust people to do what we think they will do, but when they do the “unthinkable” as it were, what do we believe?
We lose trust. We lose trust not only in that person, but also in our own ability to judge whether or not a person will treat us the way we would like/ deserve to be treated. We raise the walls and are continually on the lookout for any suspicious activity that would suggest something bad happening again. Maybe we watch so hard for the bad, for what we have come to expect through this loss of trust, that we see it even when it is not really there.
Then what? How do we allow people to be the good that they are, and also accept and forgive the bad? How can we open up to trust them when they have hurt us so badly? Trusting them again would be the opposite of self preservation; but what other choice is there? If we want to live life to the fullest, we cannot stay behind that wall of fear. It will do more harm than good.
I am writing to myself because I was once carefree and reckless with my love and with my trust, and now I have become something ugly. I hide behind false pride to reassure myself and to keep myself safe; meanwhile destroying those around me. I could help. I could forgive. I could love. If only I could learn to trust… something greater than all the people that have hurt me. If I could truly believe that there is a purpose for everything; not just with my head but with my heart. And if I could just remember that God really does work out all things for the GOOD of those who love him. Forgive the rest, because we are all fallen and we are all untrustworthy, and let go.